One of the plays I submitted today is called “Garbage Disposal.” It made me chuckle. If you’d like to read it, here it is:
Garbage Disposal, a ten minute play
By Rachel Bublitz
BOYFRIEND is on stage. He is doing the dishes.
BOYFRIEND Hey! I need some help in here!
GIRLFRIEND What’s up?
BOYFRIEND Can you check the garbage disposal for me?
GIRLFRIEND Can’t you just do it?
BOYFRIEND My hands are too big, you know that.
GIRLFRIEND Have you ever tried?
BOYFRIEND Of course I’ve tried.
GIRLFRIEND No, like really gotten in there and forced your hand in?
BOYFRIEND I’m not going to jam my hand in there, what if I can’t get it out?
GIRLFRIEND I hate the garbage disposal.
BOYFRIEND I know.
GIRLFRIEND I’m afraid of the garbage disposal.
BOYFRIEND I know.
GIRLFRIEND Why do you make me do it?
BOYFRIEND So we don’t destroy our sink! It’s not on, and it’s not going to turn on. I promise. That only happens in movies, bad, awful, stupid movies.
GIRLFRIEND See! You admitted that it happens!
BOYFRIEND The movies aren’t real, so that doesn’t count.
GIRLFRIEND Why didn’t you use the thing that catches all the junk? I always use that so I don’t have to bother with the garbage disposal.
BOYFRIEND That thing is disgusting, no way I’m touching that.
BOYFRIEND (Interrupting) If you want me to help with house stuff, I’m going to do it my way. Otherwise I won’t help.
GIRLFRIEND I made dinner! It’s not helping, it’s fair. It’s what is expected. I cooked, so you clean. That’s how things are done.
BOYFRIEND (Softly) Not in my family.
GIRLFRIEND What did you just say?
BOYFRIEND Forget it. Just check the stupid disposal so we can sit down and watch TV.
GIRLFRIEND You were comparing me to your mother again, weren’t you? How many times do I have to tell you I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER.
BOYFRIEND I said forget it.
GIRLFRIEND She wasted her life away taking care of your dad. You even said so yourself!
BOYFRIEND I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have said it.
GIRLFRIEND You’re damn right you shouldn’t have said it.
BOYFRIEND I just don’t know how to live in a world in which I have to constantly censor myself. This is my home, I should be free to say whatever I want.
GIRLFRIEND What world are you from in which you don’t have to censor yourself?
BOYFRIEND Out there it’s fine, it’s expected. But not in here, not with you. I thought I was free to speak my mind. I thought our relationship was open and honest above all things. Isn’t that what you said you wanted?
GIRLFRIEND It is, but-
BOYFRIEND (Interrupting) We’re going to be married soon. We’ve got to work all this out now, this is serious.
GIRLFRIEND Okay, so you think we should express everything we’re feeling?
GIRLFRIEND Awesome. I think you should get a better job. One that pays more.
BOYFRIEND Come on, you can’t-
GIRLFRIEND (Interrupting) What it’s okay for you but not me? I pay all the bills around here. And do most of the house work. That’s not fair.
BOYFRIEND I’ll make up for it one day.
GIRLFRIEND That’s what you say. But right now you work around the clock for nothing.
BOYFRIEND I’m working my way up.
GIRLFRIEND You’re a God damn intern.
BOYFRIEND How did this happen? We were just having dinner, and I was… I volunteered to do the dishes!
GIRLFRIEND You should, I cooked, what do you want a fucking medal?
BOYFRIEND No, I’m just… Shit! How did this happen? I was just… The garbage disposal! Can you check the disposal for me so that I can finish cleaning the kitchen please?
BOYFRIEND My hands don’t fit.
GIRLFRIEND Than use the catcher thingie.
BOYFRIEND When I do the dishes, I do them my way!
GIRLFRIEND Than check it yourself.
GIRLFRIEND moves to exit.
GIRLFRIEND I’m not checking it.
BOYFRIEND You’re an adult. Use the excellent deductive skills in your possession. Has a garbage disposal ever turned on while your hand was in it.
GIRLFRIEND No, but-
BOYFRIEND (Interrupting) Can’t we than deduce that it won’t now, or ever happen?
GIRLFRIEND Your hands aren’t that big.
GIRLFRIEND Your hands. I bet your hand would fit.
BOYFRIEND It doesn’t.
GIRLFRIEND Show me.
GIRLFRIEND Show me. Try and stick your hand in.
BOYFRIEND Now you’re just being childish.
GIRLFRIEND I’ll check it if you show me that your hand won’t fit.
BOYFRIEND I’m afraid.
GIRLFRIEND Afraid of what?
BOYFRIEND The garbage disposal, okay? I’m afraid it’ll turn on when my hand is inside.
GIRLFRIEND Ha! This is great! Are you serious? You’re afraid after all the shit you’ve given me?
BOYFRIEND Look, you get jumpy, I get sick. I’m actually terrified, alright? It’s not like when you’re a kid and you make up weird shit hoping someone will pay attention. I get all sweaty just thinking about it. My stomach goes cold. My heart pounds. I’m beyond scared of the damn garbage disposal. So, go ahead. Have your giggles at my expense. I’m going to bed.
BOYFRIEND moves to exit.
GIRLFRIEND Babe, wait up.
GIRLFRIEND sticks her hand in the garbage disposal, removes a spoon.
GIRLFRIEND (CONTINUED) You were right. There was a spoon. See?
GIRLFRIEND Should I run it?
BOYFRIEND Knock yourself out.
GIRLFRIEND flips a switch. We hear the noise of a garbage disposal, both GIRLFRIEND and BOYFRIEND are physically uncomfortable. GIRLFRIEND flips the switch again.
GIRLFRIEND Not so bad.
BOYFRIEND If you say so.
GIRLFRIEND Thanks for doing the dishes.
BOYFRIEND It was the least I could do. Dinner was good.
GIRLFRIEND I love you.
BOYFRIEND I love you.
GIRLFRIEND We’re going to figure all of this stuff out, you know that right?
BOYFRIEND I hope we do. I really hope we do.
End of play.