I wrote MY BODY back in 2012 for an evening benefitting Planned Parenthood hosted by Playwrights’ Center of San Francisco called Repro Rights!. It went on to be performed around the country and is currently published in Smith and Kraus’ The Best Ten-Minute Plays 2014 ten-minute play anthology.
##MY BODY by Rachel Bublitz
CHARACTERS:
Laura, female, 35-55, has an authoritative presence.
Patrick, male, 28-35.
Sally, female, 20-30.
LAURA’s government office. LAURA is on stage. LAURA presses the button on her intercom.
LAURA
Sally, please send in my next appointment.
PATRICK enters. PATRICK wears a robotic looking collar around his neck.
LAURA (CONTINUED)
Good afternoon, my name is Laura Goodman. I’ll be reviewing your case today.
PATRICK
Good afternoon.
LAURA
You want approval for the permanent removal of your collar, correct?
PATRICK
Yes ma’am.
LAURA
And you have all of your paperwork in order?
PATRICK
Yes ma’am, it’s all there.
LAURA
Please sit down. It’s nice to see such a young man with his priorities straight. Well, hand over your paperwork.
PATRICK hands LAURA a thick questionnaire. LAURA reads through it.
PATRICK
I’ve included three letters of recommendation, instead the minimum of two.
LAURA
I see, very nice. Patrick Hill, is it?
PATRICK
Yes.
LAURA
This is very well organized. I can tell that you took the time. You’d be amazed at how many botched applications I get in here everyday.
PATRICK
I can only imagine.
LAURA turns the first page and begins to read the second page.
LAURA
Steady income, you’ve been teaching for seven years?
PATRICK
That’s correct.
LAURA
What grade do you teach?
PATRICK
Second grade.
LAURA
Like the little ones, do you?
PATRICK
I do.
LAURA
That’s nice. And I see you passed all of the disease screenings.
PATRICK
There were a lot of tests.
LAURA
We’re very serious about what we do here.
PATRICK
I can see that.
LAURA turns to the next page in the paperwork.
LAURA
Oh, there seems to be a mistake here.
PATRICK
There is?
LAURA
Are you married?
PATRICK
No.
LAURA
Engaged?
PATRICK
No.
LAURA
Are you homosexual?
PATRICK
No.
Pause.
LAURA
Is this some sort of practical joke?
PATRICK
I’m sorry?
LAURA
Did Sally put you up to this?
PATRICK
Sally?
LAURA
My assistant. She thinks she has a great sense of humor.
PATRICK
Sally has nothing to do with this. I’m here to have my collar removed.
LAURA
Do you not understand what we do here, Mr. Hill?
PATRICK
I know perfectly well.
LAURA
Then I don’t see how you thought you could just waltz in here without a marriage certificate and think that we’d approve your application.
LAURA opens a drawer to retrieve a “rejected” stamp and proceeds to stamp his application.
PATRICK
I just thought-
LAURA
That your three letters of recommendation would sway me? You obviously underestimated how serious we take collar removal. Please take your application and leave my office. I have serious applications I need to review.
PATRICK
It’s not right.
LAURA
What did you just say?
PATRICK
The collars. It’s not fair.
LAURA
Fair? You’re talking to me about fair? Are you familiar with our figures Mr. Hill? Since collars have been implemented, we’ve eradicated sexually transmitted disease. Rape and sexual abuse is down 99%, and there aren’t any repeat offenders. Molestation is down 98%. These collars make the world a better place.
PATRICK
But at what cost?
LAURA
What cost? Nothing is more important than the safety of the women and children in this country. You should understand that, being a teacher.
PATRICK
I agree that sexual abuse is wrong, but can you really punish the masses for the mistakes of the few?
LAURA
You categorize rape merely as a mistake?
PATRICK
I think rape is wrong, obviously, and-
LAURA
And child molestation? Is that just another mistake to you? What grade do you teach again?
PATRICK
Second. But I would never-
LAURA
I know you wouldn’t. You can’t. For the good of us all.
PATRICK
But I have rights!
LAURA
James 1:14, “But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust has conceived, it brings forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, brings forth death.” Giving into your lust and self satisfying is a sin. Besides, abandoning your seed is an abomination! Child abandonment.
PATRICK
It’s not a child, it’s just… It’s just biological waste.
LAURA
It’s a potential child. Do you know how many unwanted children are born every year in this country?
PATRICK
None.
LAURA
That’s right. Zero. The only country in the world. Children today are born into families that have the resources to care for them. The high school drop out rate is nonexistent, and we are at 100% literacy. A far cry from the archaic ways of our past.
PATRICK
But it’s my body! Don’t I have a say in the matter?
LAURA
Now I know this is a joke. Your body? Are you serious with this rhetoric?
PATRICK
Very serious. It is my body, I have the right to do whatever I want with it.
LAURA
Oh Mr. Hill, it’s much too important a choice for us to let you decide it on your own. I mean, every day, day in and out, it’s just too much of a temptation for men.
PATRICK
I’m an adult! I vote, this is my body! Mine! You can’t tell me what I can and cannot do with it. I demand that you remove my collar. Remove it now! Right now! I can make good choices, I will make good choices. But it’s my body, let me make my own choices!
LAURA
Oh you poor dear. The government has decided that you don’t have the mental capacity to make to follow the correct path on your own, and rightly so. We had to take charge. It’s for your own good.
PATRICK
But-
LAURA
No buts. Just listen. You have been rejected for collar removal today. Unless you want me to call security, I recommend you leave my office. You should know if I do call security I will stamp your application with my “permanently rejected” stamp. Which will make you ineligible for collar removal.
PATRICK
You have the power to permanently reject me?
LAURA
Oh yes, we also have much more permanent methods for containment.
PATRICK
What would… No, you couldn’t.
LAURA
It’s not pretty Patrick. Go on, get out of here. Go and meet a nice girl, come back when you’re settled. You are an excellent candidate, your application was very well organized and we appreciate that. With a wife I’m sure you’ll be approved.
PATRICK
Alright.
LAURA
There’s a good boy. I’m sure a fine looking man such as yourself won’t have a hard time finding a woman.
PATRICK
What? Oh, right. Thanks… It’s torture, what you’re doing. You’re torturing half of the population.
LAURA
I would love to chat, but I really need to get to my next appointment. Thank you for your time.
PATRICK
But-
LAURA
Remember your manners.
PATRICK
I’m sorry for wasting your time. It was nice to meet you too.
PATRICK exits. LAURA pushes the button on her intercom.
LAURA
Sally once you see Mr. Hill out please step into my office.
SALLY enters.
SALLY
Yes?
LAURA
Did Mr. Hill give you any trouble on the way out?
SALLY
No, he just wandered off. He was rejected?
LAURA
He isn’t married, not even engaged.
SALLY
You’re kidding.
LAURA
I thought it was your job to review these applications and weed out the bozos.
SALLY
Laura, they’re men, they’re all bozos.
LAURA
In the future, I expect more professionalism on your part. That application never should have reached my desk.
SALLY
You’re absolutely right, it won’t happen again.
LAURA
You’ll be out of a job if it does, do you hear me?
SALLY
Yes ma’am.
LAURA
Real uppity piece of work that one. Self righteous, you know? He said he wanted control over his body. Like it was his right or something. As if we can trust men to function in society with a working penis.
SALLY
He can’t help it Laura. After all, he’s only a man.
SALLY exits.
End of play.