Rachel Bublitz



April 2, 2020

I am going to hold off on posting the rest of my Relentless Playwriting Workshop, at least for this week. But I've been seeing so many calls for material for sheltering-in-home actors to work on, play with, that I thought, I can do that!

SO! Once a week, maybe twice a week, I'll post a monologue from my work! Feel free to print it, read it, perform it, stream it, zoom it, whatever will help you right now. I've decided to share a few monologues from FUNNY, LIKE AN ABORTION because of all the various states trying to make abortions non-essential medical care right now. Also, since this play is a two-hander, could work for two actors sheltering at home together! Or two actors zooming from a distance!

Warning, this first monologue is a bit intense, it's from near the end of the play when hope is running out. This is more mature audience stuff, but I will be posting all ages monologues as we spend all these countless weeks trapped in our homes. Weeeeeeee!



Monroe finds herself knocked up, and since abortions are illegal in the United States, she throws a surprise abortion party with her best friend Jade. Monroe prepares over twenty at home abortion options for them to sort through, neither will walk away until they select the best of all of these terrible options. But that's not all! Come on down for juggling, a tap dancing number, and a horrific view at what our future may hold. A comedic two-hander in one scene.

Monroe, she/her, mid to late twenties. Tells many bad jokes. Can juggle.

Juggling the herbs
Ah yes, the “helper herbs.”
So the abortifacients are all well and good, but you really have got to pair them with the right helper herb or herbs. You got your dong quai, your black cohosh root, blue cohosh root, tansy, rue, juniper, and cotton root bark. Use these in combination with other herbs to create the perfect abortion cocktail for your body. Just keep in mind any of these could be self-poisoning. And you know, that very special combination is different for every goddamn body, and you should have a herbal understanding and knowledge before you jump into herbal remedies. But we don’t have that now do we? No. We used to. We used to have things like healers! Like midwives! You can’t even say that word anymore. And we’re just separated by- How many grandmas ago would have been able to handle this? Would know the answer? We are so close and we are forever away. Because how dare women know things. How dare women have control over themselves. Gotta do something about that, got to put them where they deserve. So they called those women, the ones who knew, they labeled them witches, and took it away. No, they didn’t just take it away, they burned it, burned all that knowledge along with the poor women who were just trying to help. Our grandmas. They burned them. Then they sanitized it, and put it under fluorescent lights, made it “safe.” And they thought, this is better, and hell, maybe it was. It probably was better, but then they took that away too, and left us with nothing. No alchemy, herbs, old-world remedies, or bright and shiny hospital approved, nothing. Now it’s just sex is wrong. Well wait, if you’re a man it’s fine, because that’s the way men operate. It’s the women! Women are wrong. And sluts. And evil. And shameful. And stupid. I am so stupid, how the fuck. How did I. The rhythm method is a lie. A total sham. I want my money back.

If you end up recording or streaming, tag me on the social medias so I can watch! I'll post other monologues from FUNNY, LIKE AN ABORTION soon. If you'd like to give the whole play a read, find it on the New Play Exchange here! Or email me!

Stay safe! Stay healthy! Stay sane!

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